is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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