I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
