you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
