Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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