Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
