i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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