She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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