i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
