It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
