It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
