Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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