i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
