she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
