yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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