Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
