I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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