It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
