I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Randomize