there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
