Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
