We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
