Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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