Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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