We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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