I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
