I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
