apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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