I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize