I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
