I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
