Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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