Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
