Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
