oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
