we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
