It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
