I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
