Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
