Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I love you. Go after that dick
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize