i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
