I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
