I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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