I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
