God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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