Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
