if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
are you so shy because you have an std?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
