omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
