Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
