this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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