hotel room ftw
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize