how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
