On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
