Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
