you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
