so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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