I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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