dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
