rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
