I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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