cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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