I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
