you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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