Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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