Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
