If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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