Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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