This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
