watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
