there was a trapeze. enough said
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
