my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dignity is for republicans.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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