I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
