I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
