porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
