i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
